Sometimes it hurts

My life takes random twists and turns. It divides this way and that. My mind isn't always sure of things. Even now, my mind ceases to rest. I sometimes suffer from the insomniatic pulses of a restless mind.

Today IS NO DIFFERENT!

I woke up with a feeling of bliss, though in my heart there was torment of some kind. I couldnt figure it out and I still can't. I suppose its because I haven't heard back from the order I am most interested in. This will be weighing on my mind for quite sometime, partially because when I was 19 and wanted to join an order I was told to experience more life...including having a boyfriend, so that I knew that becoming a sister was what I truly wanted. I knew then that it was and I was crushed that I couldnt join at that very moment.

I lived life..never had another boyfriend besides the one I had in High School , and the desire to join a religious community kept coming back to me. It never really left, but there were times when it was in the back of my mind.

My friends always wondered why I didnt have a boyfriend, or didnt try to find one. I wasn't that interested, inside I knew that I would wind up joining a religious community. I just had to hear God's call again to confirm it.

I had several calls but I was hesitant to say yes to him...I was afraid of being judged, of my friends not wanting to be friends with me anymore...I was afraid that there would be something more in life that I would miss. All this time, I found Jesus was missing! I have vowed to my master now, that I will turn from my sinful ways, I stopped smoking about a month ago (cold turkey, miracle), I have less to do with alcohol, and I prefer to stay home and read rather than go out and party...you may say that it has to do with growing up...true, but it also has to do with my new life.

I used to be very easily irritated, but now, I am able to let things flow past me without them getting under my skin! I yearn to be a bride of christ...

When my friend, who doesnt care what i become, asked me why I want to be a "nun" my reply was simple... " when I was in the 4th grade I thought I had my life all planned out. I would become a great big broadway star, have a boyfriend and adopt a few kids from russia (adoption was always a top priority for me!) and then when my children were old enough to take care of themselves I would become a nun, but life isn't that easy and no one can live by a plan made in the 4th grade. God has our lives already planned out for us; we just have to learn to listen to him! I have spent so many years avoiding the fact that God was talking to me, that now its time to put his plan into action. Just the thought of becoming a sister fills me up inside, its a desire to feel complete...IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE. "

Its true. I light up when I talk to anyone about becoming a sister. I am sorry God for not answering the call sooner, though the things i went through were awesome life experiences, and i would never have come to camphill if i were a sister now!

Its strange sometimes though, because when it comes to these topics, no one really wants to listen. I get questions that I really dont want to answer, they are petty and minut compared to other questions I may recieve. It hurts though, knowing that there are only a couple people you can talk to. I dont even have spiritual director..never had one, it might have been helpful to me when i was younger. Granted I am still confused now!

But, God directs my life...so now I have a path to follow!