??!!??!

Okay, I apologize that this and the past few entries havent been about discernment really. But I have some interesting things going on in my life.

Have you ever felt unsupported?? Not in a discernment kind of way but in general. i got accused recently of not having enough team spirit within the house, but I didnt have the courage to stand up to the house father and tell him that his incredulous attitude towards things is probably the reason for it. I didnt get to chose to live in this house, I got placed here...BUT peoples spirits are not at ease here, and I truely believe it is the housefather to blame.. let me explain: He leaves in april (along with the housemother and their child) so he is already step back from responsibility (not that he really claimed any to begin with) and the house feels it, along with the people in the house. I mean how does he have time to teach a seminar course but not enough time to sit in the living room with the villagers??
And by him creating this chaotic atmosphere, my world has flipped upside down as well, My room is a mess, I havent filled in my americorps paper work in 3 months, i barely have times for showers (i have to take them during morning work time)...I just dont understand. So i feel unsupported by houseparents who dont give a shit...now why am i complaining?

things are back on the up and up

Oh...
things are getting better..just wanted to inform my readers. I will have time later to go into detail.

I also revamped my myspace so check it out!!

SMILE

I GOT IT!!!

I have been pondering my perdicament...

and I have come to the conclusion as to the reason why I don't really get along with the young coworkers here is the fact that most of them are AETHISTS, and I don't have a problem with them being atheists...but they have a problem with me actually believing in GOD!!

I find it sad actually that most young people today don't believe. Its their choice, but I think is has to do with the media and possibly other factors. I am actually amazed at how many of the 25 young coworkers here are aetheists.... let me see about 12, what does that say about todays youth. and these 12 are under the age of 20... its their generation I suppose.

They find me gullible because i believe that God created the world, and therefore us in it...further more I believe in the whole nativity story, though I am also sure there were snippets left out, but with any story really, there are parts left out!

So to those of you out there who don't believe... I like you for who you are (but why do you celebrate Christmas (just wondering)!

and for those who do believe : MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

I BELIEVE IN JESUS AND MARY!!!

Sometimes I wonder

"Sometimes I wonder who I am, Do I belong, Do I fit in.

Make believin' is hard alone, Out here on my own \

We're always provin' who we are Always reachin' for the risin' star

To guide me far And shine me home

Out here on my own"

These lyrics describe how I am feeling right now. No, I didn't write them, they are from a song by Irene Cara.

I feel lost and alone, and though I know that isn't the case, let me elaborate.

I have come to the conclusion that not everyone can accept me, I came to this conclusion once when I was in High school and had to deal with the girl on girl drama that comes with an all girls catholic school. But I never imagined tha I could be bashed aside in such a lovely place as camphill. I am here now in the 5th month of my second year and it is drastically different from last year, has a wierder vibe (an almost ugly one) and it makes me feel uneasy at times. Last year, all the coworkers got along and hung out together, never excluded anyone. This year Cliques have formed and there are all sorts of exclusions going on. I feel like the odd duck I suppose. No one really callse me to see how i am or if i would like to go out, though I call them and let them know of events that might interest them (and I know I shouldn't be asking for anything in return) BUT it would be nice if I felt accepted again. I am totally accepted by the villagers and i love them all dearly. Even, the other young coworker in my house seems to have problems with me, I am older and more experienced yet when it comes to standing up to authority, i am a coward...I admit this, something happened to my soul last year that caused this to happen, I used to be extremely out spoken but now it seems all i can do is talk the talk, forget about walking the walk..I suppose I should work on building that courage back up, if I ever want to get anywhere in life!

Hey, its christmas... not a time to be sad, and I'm not, cause through these things I have learned that maybe who I thought I was before wasn't who I really am meant to be. And being alone isn't all that bad, though I am a people person and it does get quite lonely!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

THE BIG QUESTION

AM I READY TO TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH AND LET GOD TAKE CONTROL OF MY DESTINY??

Play!

Alright, currently I am going bonkers trying to get these darn medieval lines down so I thought, my adoring fans would like to have a gander at what I am actually rehearsing! I will type my lines (as I have memorized them) below and tomorrow I will copy directly from the script and see where I am!

Hail Mary, full of glory and grace,
gentle and still,
the Lord has looked with favour upon thy face

Mary, have you heard tell of how man's first parents fell?

E'en so Mary,
greivous was the cost,
Adams beauty blemished, edens bliss was lost
and Eve as fair as a flower in the field, when she stepped from adam's heart,
grew faded as she wept
(to audience)
Earth itsself faded as man's father fell,
all was wailing that before was well.
The fervent sun, he waxed all wan with woe,
the buxom stars fainted upon the night,
and the morning moon, ceased half the month to glow.
All swarthy grew fair middle earth below lacking its light
(to Mary)
so, through Eve's folly and Adam's sin piteous
the plight all mankind is in.
but GOD their hardship heeds and
has conned well
How he their cares can quell.

BEHOLD, a maiden shall concieve a child
yet by no stain of sin shall be defiled
and by his birth beguiler be beguiled
for in this boy, God shall be man
and on a tree defeat man's dole,
and save for him his soul
So must all be as when these bales began
once more A MAN, A MAIDEN, AND A TREE
this is REDEMPTIONS SUM
Since a fallen angel came to Eve
so must an unfallen one come to retrieve his dead
Fairest of favour, so to yourself I come

When in the temple,
suitors to woo you pressed
Oh, Mary, recall how josephs rod
flared into flower
and how their came from god
a gentle dove upon the flower to rest
So doth come Gods dove now
to build its nest
upon the blossoming bough that is yourself
therein to sit
Even in my speaking has
his spirit lit
to shine through your maiden head
like sun through glass!

Oh I hope I have it down!

One More thing...

One more thing:

I am a musical theatre child. I have grown-up with it, and want to continue to be involved. I have like 33 plays/musicals under my hat, and I wouldn't change the feel of performing for anything in the world.
Would I have to give it up?? That is my biggest fear, giving up my one major passion, though it would be for another passion... I dunno!!

Can someone please put a light on this situation?

more questions...

Alright,
so after yesterday I thought of some more questions.

1. What about my favorite books, can I take those with me?
2. What about visiting with family. How often can you make home visits? Do you have ask your family to pay for transportation? And how long can you stay?
3. I don't know all of the mysteries of the rosary..do i have to know them in order to join?
4. How do you know which order is right for you? I know this is really vague but...

Those are all the questions that popped into my head today.

Questions...

I am now going to ask the questions that have been going through my head...I hope that anyone reading this doesn't find it offensive. It is just a way for me to vent my concerns about religious life!!

1. Habits: do you wear them all the time, even when you go on vacation? Do you have a special sleeping habit? Do you own street clothes?
2. What is one allowed to have in their rooms? If you have favorite stuffed animals, can you keep them (or small collections) How about CD players (I can't live without music) and Computers...I know some have them in their rooms and others in a common area.
3. Email, does every sister get to use email? Or do you have to wait until you reach a certain part in your formation? What about Digital camera's I love taking pictures and I would hate to give up the 2 years worth of photos on my camera!
4. Cellphones..I know some sisters who have them. Do all sisters get a cell phone? What about use of the house phone..are there designated times to use it.
5. Television..now, I don't watch alot of t.v. but do you have televisions? How do you keep up with all the entertainment news?? or dvd's * I have a few favorite dvds* would I have to donate them to the motherhouse or give them away?
6. Education. Do you have to have BA before you join? I know some orders that you don't but I mean what is the real criteria here!

Alright, those are all the questions I can think of now. I know that they seem a bit materialistic and I am ashamed of myself for thinking like that , but I know I have a few treasured things from childhood that I would like to bring with me!

Anticipation

Christmas is getting closer, I can feel it in the air. The wieghted anticipation of the Christmas season, but as soon as it comes, it goes again.
This year, the people in my house are a little overly anxious about presents...the house I was in last year, didnt believe in presents, so we each got one (and of course whatever our families sent), but it seemed kind of pointless to me. I mean yeah you get these presents..and unless they are clothes, you hardly use them!

But, whatever. I am by no means a "scrooge" but sometimes the gifts just dont make any sense to me.

This year, I have initated a little giving movement in my house. I have asked that each person pick at least 2 articles of clothing to give away. This way they have the feeling of doing something good AND they have extra room in their closets.
Some of the rooms here are so cluttered with things, and i know i shouldnt talk because i am such a pack rat, but that is going to change in february, I will go home and go through all of my stuffed animals. I have so many and most are in storage containers...I am sure there are other little kids who will love them just as much as I did!!!

This coming sunday is traditionally the lighting of the pink candle. Here in camphill, we don't have a different colored candle, so it doesnt signify anything except that another week has past, and its almost christmas. This bothers me as well. When I was a child I would get so excited and anxious and say "I can't wait til christmas," much like people here, But then my aunt would light the pink candle and do an advent meditation, explaining that this candle is to repesent patience...we have to be patient when it comes to the lord. He hasn't been born yet, and he may be the savior but his feelings are still there, we dont want to scare baby Jesus!
As I grew older that stuck with me and I would still get anxious around christmas and then the pink candle was lit...and i would somehow calm down. I miss the pink candle!!!

This weeks daily bible reading is the first part of the visitation (the 4th Joyful Mystery!), and I love this reading because it leads up to "the Magnificat," I CANT WAIT TO READ IT!!
Isn't it interesting how that particular reading is the same sunday as the pink candle?

Amazing...

wow...things just keep getting clearer

Today was a pretty smooth day. We had an ice storm last night so this morning all the workshops were canceled... and I was so happy because I didnt have to cook. I was running out of ideas, at the time we only have potatoes, beets and carrots..YUM!!
However we did have a few rocky patches. One of the "villagers" got angry and threw a bowl of chopped onions at me. I have gotten used to this "abuse" it happens when our daily schedule gets messed up, not to mention when we are stuck in the house for almost 3 days straight.

BUt, whatever! The reason why I am writing this is because a friend of mine sent me to my hometowns diocesesan website to the link where they have a "vocations anonymous" test. A list of questions that you answer yes or no to. Apparently if you answer YEs to more than 3 of the questions you should contact your local vocations office because you have serious potential!

lets see how I stack up!
1. Does the idea of becoming a priest or religious keep coming back time and time again even though you thought you had moved on in your life and forgotten about it? Wow... this is interesting isn't it. We all know that the answer to this is YES. This comes back at least 1x a year...except this last year it has been rather constant!

2. Do you feel called to give more, to be more? Here is another question. That given previous blog entries, most people would know the answer to. Yes... I have always yearned for more and said that there's got to be more...

3. Does your relationship with God sustain you, enliven you, invigorate you in such a way that you want to share the Good News with others? Okay, to be honest here. I have a pretty good relationship with God. God definitely keeps me going, through good and bad. But I believe that I need to strengthen my relationship before I can talk to others openly about my relationship.

4. Do you find your weekly ministry more live-giving and energizing that your 40 to 60 hour work week? I am not sure what is being asked here. However, I feel that my living in camphill is a ministry of sorts, in itself so...YES most definitely.

5. Do you long for "MORE?" Isn't this the same question as number 3? I am not sure, but in any case...YES. My life seems like I am missing something...a big chunk is not there...a void.

6. Do you have a sneaking suspicion that you are on the brink of a major life decision? At this current time. YES!! I am beginning to think that this quiz is psychic. I am definitely on the brink of making a MAJOR life decision...

7. Are you afraid to tell friends and family that you are thinking about a Church vocation? Well, I think that this is a tricky one because wouldnt those women who are sure of there vocation not have problem? Anyways... I am afraid to some extent. Though, I know that my family will be happy, as I have wanted to be a sister for a longtime, but never really had the courage I believe...and a couple of my friends, well I'm afraid of their reactions.

8. Does the idea of becoming a priest or religious excite you and at the same time frighten you because you feel "unworthy?" Hmmm... It excites me and I light up just thinking about it, sometimes I wonder if in my head I am making it seem like something its not. The "unworthy" portion... I do feel slightly unworthy but at the same time God has put me through so many trials and tribulations to this point that I believe I SHOULD BE HAPPY!

WOW! I believe I may have future of a religious vocation ahead of me.

In other good news, I have heard from the 3 orders that I am most interested in...or basically I have narrowed my search/research to the following three orders:

1. The Daughter's of St. Paul
2. The Salesian Sisters of St. John Bosco
3. and finally The Daughters of Charity

So, I have some work ahead of me... please keep the prayers coming!!

JESUS LOVES YOU!

Sometimes it hurts

My life takes random twists and turns. It divides this way and that. My mind isn't always sure of things. Even now, my mind ceases to rest. I sometimes suffer from the insomniatic pulses of a restless mind.

Today IS NO DIFFERENT!

I woke up with a feeling of bliss, though in my heart there was torment of some kind. I couldnt figure it out and I still can't. I suppose its because I haven't heard back from the order I am most interested in. This will be weighing on my mind for quite sometime, partially because when I was 19 and wanted to join an order I was told to experience more life...including having a boyfriend, so that I knew that becoming a sister was what I truly wanted. I knew then that it was and I was crushed that I couldnt join at that very moment.

I lived life..never had another boyfriend besides the one I had in High School , and the desire to join a religious community kept coming back to me. It never really left, but there were times when it was in the back of my mind.

My friends always wondered why I didnt have a boyfriend, or didnt try to find one. I wasn't that interested, inside I knew that I would wind up joining a religious community. I just had to hear God's call again to confirm it.

I had several calls but I was hesitant to say yes to him...I was afraid of being judged, of my friends not wanting to be friends with me anymore...I was afraid that there would be something more in life that I would miss. All this time, I found Jesus was missing! I have vowed to my master now, that I will turn from my sinful ways, I stopped smoking about a month ago (cold turkey, miracle), I have less to do with alcohol, and I prefer to stay home and read rather than go out and party...you may say that it has to do with growing up...true, but it also has to do with my new life.

I used to be very easily irritated, but now, I am able to let things flow past me without them getting under my skin! I yearn to be a bride of christ...

When my friend, who doesnt care what i become, asked me why I want to be a "nun" my reply was simple... " when I was in the 4th grade I thought I had my life all planned out. I would become a great big broadway star, have a boyfriend and adopt a few kids from russia (adoption was always a top priority for me!) and then when my children were old enough to take care of themselves I would become a nun, but life isn't that easy and no one can live by a plan made in the 4th grade. God has our lives already planned out for us; we just have to learn to listen to him! I have spent so many years avoiding the fact that God was talking to me, that now its time to put his plan into action. Just the thought of becoming a sister fills me up inside, its a desire to feel complete...IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE. "

Its true. I light up when I talk to anyone about becoming a sister. I am sorry God for not answering the call sooner, though the things i went through were awesome life experiences, and i would never have come to camphill if i were a sister now!

Its strange sometimes though, because when it comes to these topics, no one really wants to listen. I get questions that I really dont want to answer, they are petty and minut compared to other questions I may recieve. It hurts though, knowing that there are only a couple people you can talk to. I dont even have spiritual director..never had one, it might have been helpful to me when i was younger. Granted I am still confused now!

But, God directs my life...so now I have a path to follow!

seeds can tell your future!

Hmm,
My lack of thinking things through has gotten the better of me, I suppose.

So my goal/plan was to start with the bible/prayer this morning...WELL that didnt seem to work, I tell ya, i tried my hardest but NO GO...
I know you all are going to tell me that if i want something to happen then I should make it happen, however there are circumstances around the reasons i couldnt

1. My alarm didnt go off



2. I always read the bible before breakfast prayers



3. 9 am comes too quickly when preparing the days meal

I was really planning to do this between the hour of 8 and 9, but destiny would not have it. I feel as though I have let myself down, because of my severe procrastination!

I am taking a solemn vow that i will MAKE time in my day tomorrow to start this!

On another rather interesting note...whilst I was working in the seed shop this afternoon. I was blowing seeds to find the bad ones and the first time I blew... it became a heart...are you intrigued yet?

The 2nd pile i blew became a cross... I AM SO NOT KIDDING ABOUT THIS...it really almost scared me! and then the final pile I blew became what looked like a man with a beard...i then blew it one more time and it became a flower...the final blow turned it into a heart...

ITs baffling how the world works... I take the above as a true sign.

Now the wierdness has settled...

Okay,
The homesickness has subsided for the most part, which I am thankful for.
Can I honestly become a nun/sister with these kinds of emotions? I mean I believe that if I am truely happy, like I was here last year, then I won't be as homesick! Thats an interesting theory.
Last year I always wondered why i seemed weak against the german girls...they never seemed to get homesick or cry, meanwhile for the first week here, I cried like a baby.

I have taken a few crucial steps in my discernment process recently.
I have contacted the few orders that I am interested in and have signed up for a couple of online retreats, as I am too busy at this time of year to attend any in house retreats. I have yet to hear back from 2 of the 4 orders, but thats to be expected because we all have busy lives this time of year.

I have actually started to re-read the book "Jesus and the Disinherited" by Howard Thurman. I had to read it for theology class my Junior year of high school, its funny how when you read something years later, you often get more out of it. I highly recommend this book. It gives wonderful insights and ponderings for example : What if Jesus were born into a wealthy family, would we still have the same belief system?
Interesting isn't it.

I believe tomorrow I will start my Morning Bible/prayer routine again, as I haven't been following it recently.
I have been asked to read the weekly bible reading in my house now, every morning...which is wonderful! This week we have 1/3 of the "apocolyptic words on the mount of olives," which in away is fitting to christmastide but not entirely, BOY am I glad that they have the alternative reading of "the annunciation" according to the gospel of Luke...This is fitting for me as I have been cast in our christmas eve production as the Arch-
Angel Gabriel...

I was confused when I got cast as this part, because you see, I am normally cast as a shepherd-like person, funny, charismatic, hyper, juvenile...and here, this year I am cast as an angel, NOT JUST an angel but an ARCHANGEL. Baffling! I have done some research on Gabriel and have found out that he is the patron of lost souls...HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? I get cast as the patron of lost souls, when I am in fact trying to find mine!

The lord really does work in mysterious ways!

Christian Glitter by www.christianglitter.com

Homesickness Pt.2

Its an eerie feeling leaving the comforts of ones home. At least it is to me, I actually knew that my “homesickness” would be worse this time around, partially because I got to experience Thanksgiving with my family which made me nostalgic for Christmas and New Years. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to grow up, I wish that I could freeze frame my life on maybe, Junior Year of high school.

Why junior year? This was the only year that I can think of where my life made sense…I had goals, dreams and a whole lot of ambition…and I was home.

I always enjoy family gatherings, this Thanksgiving was rather interesting for me though because I felt like a stranger in my childhood home. Its as if I was frozen and everything around me had fast forwarded so fast that I totally lost track of the plot. My little cousins on my dad and aunts side, who are college age now, are overly consumed with material things…for example my one cousin works in the jewelry business and owns 2 mustangs…he has been with his girlfriend for a little over a year now and they have bought an apartment together…I mean really all this at the age of 20, I was definitely not ready to move out at that age!

Of course something that always makes me miss home, are my friends. I love them to death and miss them sooo much when I am in camphill, a lot more this year than last, as I havent really formed any strong bonds this year.

So yeah the denial has started to set in, the tears keep welling, and my soul seems to be in turmoil!

Homesickness Pt.1

I am not even on the train yet, but the anticipation of leaving my friends and family has already set in. I feel as though I can't contain my tears, they are welling up in me. I can contain them, have been all day, but still I don't want to cry because to me that is a sign of weakness.

This phase is what I call part one of homesickness, where you anticipate one's return to a place hours before you even depart.

Last, year this only happened once...I didnt expect it to happen this time, I suppose its because I'm not really happy in the house that I am in this year. I feel as though I am being used...taken advantage of, though I know that is probably not the case.

One of the girls i work with, tells me that I have a negative outlook this year. I guess its true...for me its hard to forget things that have happened...especially if it takes over a part of my soul!

Oh, I am not sure what I am going to do now...I think I am slowly losing motivation, which isnt good. I no longer miss going back to Camphill, like last year I REALLY MISSED my house and the people in it and was so eager to go back. I used to not think of it as a job, but this year its the same reptitive problems...hopefully once these "temporary" houseparents leave things will be better...but i have to get through christmas and easter first!

I highly dislike this anxious ansy feeling I get before I travel or in my case now...go back to camphill.

When the thing happened with the train, I thought it was a sign from God that maybe I need to rethink my options and leave Camphill...but then a feeling of guilt pops in, the house i live in has had serious inconsistancy the past year so i would feel bad if i just left them like that, and further more I have made a commitment for another year, i always keep my commitments...I said yes to another year...

In my mind EVERYTHING happens for a reason, I just haven't figured out why!

WHAT IN THE FIJI IS GOING ON HERE???

I AM IRRITATED right now, and i know that shouldn't have these feelings of remorse or hatred but sometimes I really can't help it. I know that its a small problem and might be easily fixed BUT I am a volunteer for the village, I don't have a car of my own, and I will be stranded at the train station for at least 2 hours...I DONT UNDERSTAND. I mean there are over 50 cars in the village, 22 houses with 2 house parents and 2 young coworkers each so thats 88 possible individuals who can drive...BUT not one of them is able to pick me up at the time the train comes in! The younger coworkers all have to attend the advent garden, they are the choir, and the houseparents either have kids involved in it or just cant come. Now, from what I have heard my houseparents are taking a day off, on this strenuous day for the village and screwing everybody... I tell you, sometimes being a coworker at this particular place is draining, not just physically, but emotionally. I feel at this point, that part of my soul has gone missing..

Let me pose a question.... How can I find myself when part of me is missing?

and i hear you out there asking why i wrote this and what it has to do with discerning. Well the answer is simple. Discerning means asking questions.