I am not even on the train yet, but the anticipation of leaving my friends and family has already set in. I feel as though I can't contain my tears, they are welling up in me. I can contain them, have been all day, but still I don't want to cry because to me that is a sign of weakness.
This phase is what I call part one of homesickness, where you anticipate one's return to a place hours before you even depart.
Last, year this only happened once...I didnt expect it to happen this time, I suppose its because I'm not really happy in the house that I am in this year. I feel as though I am being used...taken advantage of, though I know that is probably not the case.
One of the girls i work with, tells me that I have a negative outlook this year. I guess its true...for me its hard to forget things that have happened...especially if it takes over a part of my soul!
Oh, I am not sure what I am going to do now...I think I am slowly losing motivation, which isnt good. I no longer miss going back to Camphill, like last year I REALLY MISSED my house and the people in it and was so eager to go back. I used to not think of it as a job, but this year its the same reptitive problems...hopefully once these "temporary" houseparents leave things will be better...but i have to get through christmas and easter first!
I highly dislike this anxious ansy feeling I get before I travel or in my case now...go back to camphill.
When the thing happened with the train, I thought it was a sign from God that maybe I need to rethink my options and leave Camphill...but then a feeling of guilt pops in, the house i live in has had serious inconsistancy the past year so i would feel bad if i just left them like that, and further more I have made a commitment for another year, i always keep my commitments...I said yes to another year...
In my mind EVERYTHING happens for a reason, I just haven't figured out why!
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