Sometimes I wonder

"Sometimes I wonder who I am, Do I belong, Do I fit in.

Make believin' is hard alone, Out here on my own \

We're always provin' who we are Always reachin' for the risin' star

To guide me far And shine me home

Out here on my own"

These lyrics describe how I am feeling right now. No, I didn't write them, they are from a song by Irene Cara.

I feel lost and alone, and though I know that isn't the case, let me elaborate.

I have come to the conclusion that not everyone can accept me, I came to this conclusion once when I was in High school and had to deal with the girl on girl drama that comes with an all girls catholic school. But I never imagined tha I could be bashed aside in such a lovely place as camphill. I am here now in the 5th month of my second year and it is drastically different from last year, has a wierder vibe (an almost ugly one) and it makes me feel uneasy at times. Last year, all the coworkers got along and hung out together, never excluded anyone. This year Cliques have formed and there are all sorts of exclusions going on. I feel like the odd duck I suppose. No one really callse me to see how i am or if i would like to go out, though I call them and let them know of events that might interest them (and I know I shouldn't be asking for anything in return) BUT it would be nice if I felt accepted again. I am totally accepted by the villagers and i love them all dearly. Even, the other young coworker in my house seems to have problems with me, I am older and more experienced yet when it comes to standing up to authority, i am a coward...I admit this, something happened to my soul last year that caused this to happen, I used to be extremely out spoken but now it seems all i can do is talk the talk, forget about walking the walk..I suppose I should work on building that courage back up, if I ever want to get anywhere in life!

Hey, its christmas... not a time to be sad, and I'm not, cause through these things I have learned that maybe who I thought I was before wasn't who I really am meant to be. And being alone isn't all that bad, though I am a people person and it does get quite lonely!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!